Heartbeats: Flutter, Break and Remix

Hey guys,

This post will be a little different, more serious than any of my others and honestly I'm nervous. I know that so many people have gone through similar situations so I feel that it would be really beautiful to share. I re-wrote this about six times trying to find the right balance between personal, private and honest… so here goes nothing.

The truth is my first relationship was about a year and a half long during and after high school. This first relationship was the Flutter. The relationship started fine, and then went downhill fast. There was a lot of disrespect and condescension and I made every excuse possible as to why it was acceptable. I thought about ending it multiple times but always decided to stay, to give it one more shot, to try harder. It was me, I could make it better, etc. The truth is I thought letting go meant giving up, but I was so wrong. Only the strongest people can see so clearly and be so brave, as to let go of something they want so bad. For a long time, I thought I was in love, but it’s so clear to me now that I wasn’t. Love is never one sided, love is worth fighting for only if two people are fighting, and you can’t be in love if you are pretending to be something you’re not.

The Break, happened quickly, then slowly. It was simple and clean break-up at first, then people got involved, new information came out. Suddenly, my break up and all the things I had just discovered were known by what felt like everyone. This is when the loud, excited, big personality that I was known for, the one that had slowly being retreating during the course of the relationship, finally dimmed. I became so nervous being in certain situations, I had very few close friends because I made the mistake of putting all my efforts into him, etc. It was not a good time, and it was one that would affect me to this day. 

The good news is that the story doesn't end there, I took time alone, and put myself back together, put myself back out there, was terrified and finally got something even better than love. I Remixed my heart back together.

Being on my own for a while, even with few friends, was something that I didn’t realize was a blessing in disguise. I learned to love spending time alone, to be comfortable in my own skin and to take care of myself. I learned to carve my own path but I also discovered very fast that there was nothing that would make the things I went through go away. There would always be the days where those condescending words would resonate in my head, where I'd feel uncomfortable in my own skin, be overly emotional and lose my voice. Those things still happened for a long time even after I began dating again. Fears of the same situation happening again were constantly on my mind. But I went through my Remix, I rebuilt my own heart and I got to know who I was and what I wanted. I learnt that I didn’t want anyone to be my world because I built that world for me, and if someone wanted to be a part of it they’d have to work hard to earn my trust. Not because I am scared, but because I am so strong. 

Thank you for reading,

XX

T